Touch Me Not.

An important person in my life has embarked on a journey of self discovery. He is seeking help to introspect and find answers to internal conflicts he has struggled with for most of his life. We spoke about his experience so far and he told me, he was trying to get to the root of his mood swings. We recalled instances of the so called mood swings and how over time we have developed a mechanism to manage ‘episodes’ with minimal damage.

This conversation got me thinking about how I behave in relationships that most matter to me.

I am an introvert and find it difficult to befriend people and even more difficult to develop open, trusting and meaningful relationships. But I pride myself on the fact that the ones I have formed have been most fulfilling and have lasted a lifetime.

However, I am not exactly an easy person to love. I am oversensitive. The slightest perceived neglect, callousness, indifference, rudeness or animosity has the potential to crush me. In the blink of an eye I withdraw into a shell much like a tortoise. On most days, the people I am closest to can’t get me to shut up. In fact N loves to mimic how verbose and dramatic I am, when in my element. However, when I feel slighted, irrespective of whether the feeling is warranted or not, I find it near impossible to find words. Sometimes, I am acutely aware that the situation does not merit the emotions. Unfortunately, the awareness does not help quell the negative feelings. They take on a life of their own and refuse to be reasoned with. The words that desert me are replaced by an impenetrable silence. My vulnerable, sensitive self is quickly locked down and a fake, hard persona comes to the fore. This usually heralds the beginnings of passive aggressive behavior directed at the ‘offender’ that at times exceeds all decent limits and gains monstrous proportions. I believe, I have hurt more with my silence than my words. 

I wish I was able to just sit a person down and say these words, “You have hurt me.” Instead, I’ll pull way and act cold and indifferent. I think, more than trying to show the other person that I don’t care, I am trying to convince myself of this. Somewhere down the line, I started to believe that instead of demanding the attention, affection and sensitivity I need and deserve, I should stop needing them. I lost the ability to show vulnerability and slowly started becoming someone that believed in stripping people of the power to affect me. I much rather clamp down than risk the lump in my throat transforming into tears that well up in my eyes, blinding me, as I try to put feelings into words. 

I’ve struggled with this weakness all my life. I have tested the sanity of loved ones with my special brand of neurosis. I’ve been lucky to have people in my life, who have been patient and have over a period of time understood that what appears as arrogant indifference is actually a self defense mechanism and method of self healing. I am indebted to those who instead of following their natural instinct of trying to convince me of how unreasonable and touchy I am being, have in their own quiet way shown me how much I am loved. To these people, I owe a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid.

Over the past few years, I have made a conscious effort to change. I try to be rational and make a serious attempt to not be oversensitive when an offence was not meant or was inadvertent. I have off late started attempting honest, open conversations when I feel like I am not being treated right. I have slowly begun to overcome my fear of being perceived as oversensitive and irrational. In the process, I have learnt, when people are made aware of their power to affect you, they behave responsibly. At least the good ones do.

It is going to be a long and arduous journey. I know, I am more likely to fail than succeed till I learn to master my emotions. But I am aware of how important this is to my growth as a person and the health of my relationships.

To those who have walked along with me so far, I am grateful. To those who will continue with me on this journey and to those who I am yet to meet along the way, I wish you patience, luck and a killer sense of humour.

"It is in the moments of emotional crisis that human beings reveal themselves most accurately."~ Anais Nin

Last night, in a moment of deep vulnerability, when I was wearing my skin inside out, I came face to face with an ugly, rank, rotten part of my inner self. In the interest of self preservation, it was buried in a crevice far beyond the reach of my consciousness; it was never meant to float to the surface; it was never meant to pollute the clear waters of self perception. I stumbled upon it by accident, at a time when I was more breakable than the finest glass. I wanted to run away, faster than thought; but how do I escape myself? how do I hide from me? I spent most of the night tethered on the edge of sanity and eventually fell into exhausted sleep.

When I opened my eyes in the light of day, I found to my relief that feelings of hatred and revulsion had not survived the night. I felt sympathy and compassion for that diseased part of myself that had spent all this time hiding in darkness, too ashamed to be seen. While I slept, my mind had gathered the strength to accept this undesirable patch on my soul. I curled into foetal position and held myself close while memories of fear, insecurities and acidic experiences accumulated since early childhood slowly and noiselessly seeped out of me. I became aware of how this shadow had fallen. A rush of endless, unconditional love for my battered soul filled me.

It was time to lick my wounds. It was time to wake up and face another day.It was time to walk again.